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Sunday, April 12, 2009
my heart is burning.
as my body start shivering.
i curl myself in a ball hugging myself tight.
and the tears began rolling down..
i gasp for breath in between the cries.

do i deserve this?
why you? why this?
its been days i had been using all the strength i have in me,
to refrain myself from leaving you a text or a call.

even so, not a single moment, u left my mind and heart.
i stared at the pictures, listened to the songs i recorded of u singing me to sleep.
and random videos i would caught u doing things w.o u realising.
i know, i tested the fire... and now i got burnt.

to not know that u miss me, or am i still in ur mind and heart.
to not know u still think of me... or love me.
to not know whether i still exist to you.
to not know do i still mean someone special in ur life
to not know whether u have another...

it kills me to bits.

and when u live ur daily life like there was never traces of me in your life before.
while wherever i go it seems everything revolves around you.
tell me, what i deserve to be so faithful and loving u with all my heart?
is this what i deserve?

if only i could pause, skip this phase and all...
or stop and rewind to the part that i never met u at all.
the 2 years meant so much to me... so much .....in which i wish it hadnt.

i can survive the day... no doubt.
its the killer nights... i feel like suicide.
being alone in my room.
surrounded with the atmosphere which holds so many traces of you...

i miss someone... to be there for me at night.
after a hectic day... someone who would call me up... and say..
" hey baby, how was your day.... Mine was okayy ah... ~~~ "

and he would go on and on after giving my chance to tell him my day...
he would talk non stop abt his day and his lame random taglines...
until he suddenly keeps quiet and starts breathing slowly...
and soon... i listens to his soothing breathing as he sleeps.

and i would whisper "i love you so much... dont leave me..." in his sleep..
without any hopes for him to reply...

but he would. he would reply.
" i love you more than u love me baby... i wont leave you..." and continue to go on into a deeper sleep.
this all. i miss.

but i guess those are just empty words.
cause you left me...

i miss waking up to a message that never fails to come in everday...
"good morning baby.... wake up sleepyhead..i miss you.i love you..muacks..."
and i miss a random time, as i walk in between my classes...or as i sat for a drink with my frens. and the phone beeps..to a message saying..." sweetheart i miss you...i having my break what u doing...."

but its all in my past now.
would i ever get to have these again?

i just have to be strong now....
and putting what we ever had to the past.
i hate what we had, cause this is the outcome.
i am trying to hate you... for doing this....

miza baby, we shall get through this okayy...
lets be strong together...
together with naqiah and ira...
thank you gerls...
i love you.

and of course.
massythura and sha pandora... for ALWAYS being there no matter how late it is.

and haiqal,
thank you for hearing me cry my lungs out ... sorry to make u "lost with your words"....
cause i was crying very hard.... you worth something to me, my friend. be strong too k..
and we shall get through this and move on happily together. insyaallah.

and to you,
thank you for coming to my life now... keeping me company at night...
trying to make me laugh... i truly really appreciate it. in which it scares me tho.
i dont wanna depend too much on you.. cause you...are just not mine...but more likely hers.
i rather be safe than sorry.

i hope i move on....
and come what may... be it a new man in my life or you.
lets see what god above has for me later down the road.

you, my saviour...gave me a very good piece of advise last night.
seriously.

thank you my friends... i love every single one of you...
yes i do! really...

for now...
my heart is still burning in pain...
and i am losing my appetite now&then.
and i feel like hurling....

i really want to get this done and over with!!!

let's go.

xoxo ♥ sue:
1:20:00 PM