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Friday, April 17, 2009
good morning fellow readers of blogspot.com
to be precise... the very few bloghoppers/readers of suefyzah.bs.com

okay i shall cut the crap and get down to business.

i have been thinking thoroughly &yes Adi.. i do too much thinking..
but i couldnt help it. i just gotta.
theres many things in my mind now.. i dunno which on to begin with.

*takes deep breath..listen to the soothing breath of someone sleeping soundly*

okay. its 4:40 am and i am awake.
why..? to do some thinking ofcouz and then blog.
i had to write this down..
so when i read it again... it will remind me again if i accidentally overlooked things..

honestly, life is getting better alhamdullillah.
and i have to get my habits to pray again. more thoroughly
but this time i shall pray for my happiness i deserve and not ...
"ya allah... tolonglah daku utk menerangkan hati yan untuk mengambil diriku kembali..."

i wont deny, i had move on. no i kinda have not.
i still lay down at night, when i am alone.
how is he.. is he missing me... but those are just questions now.
that my heart content feels empty ...
in other words. i dont a shyte whatever the answer is.
i do feel depress... sometimes still cry....
but someone would threatened me to stop crying *hmmph*
anyway...
a lil pressure on him sets him for a break, such selfish reason , i realised.
but what abt me then....
and so... my mind had set its "falsafah hidup" to move on, not wait for him.
if eventually he came back before my heart shuts for him, that is a different story.
for now, i have no intention or hope or whatsoever to be back to where i was 2 years ago.cause he isnt making any moves or signs. if he doesnt bother why must i? betul tk betul? (:

theres greater things for me to do.
and boy, i am so fucking desperate for a job right now.
and my cert course is in may. kinda excited for that.
and i am still trying to open up and mingle. but just not the time yet for now.

are all guys the same?
with my sister recent big fight with her bf, reminds me of what i used to go through,
oni worst. my blouse was nearly torn. bt it was my fault.
i guess.

anyway life has to go on... *getting sick of tis phrase sia*
but yea.
i know i have said so much abt the ones i am grateful to.
but u never know how much i am thankful.. to you people.

i hate the loneliness at night.
i hate to not know whats mine.
i hate not to care for one being.
i hate not to be taken care of.
i hate not loving anyone.
i hate single-hood actualli.

i hate not to be in love.

but well. i quite enjoy the freedom to be one's date for a while.
bt thats a different story.

for now,
i really had to say this.
thank you, cause you helped me to go through this and not dread on it.
you made everything ard me sound okay.. and made me forget the pain i am going through. without your help, i think i am still lingering with my memories.. and crying till my eyes bleed..*kk maybe part ni bedek..bt u guys get wad i mean*
i am outta lean back now, cause i dont wanna get tangled up with pain again.
i shall manage somehow... to follow the flow, so come what may...for me for you for us...

to muhd sufiyan,

thank you for the greatest memories we had since 021106 til 220309. it had been a blasting full of ups and downs... a great experience one can never forget.
but i guess it wasnt meant to be then, but you were the best i ever had. and i swear, i had never loved anyone like that before. i am wiling to go far with you, but i guess, u failed on me, on us. Nothing more to do now, but for us to lead our own way, just like u wanted.
i am trying to live happy as defined by you. and i let u live the way u defined yourself.
Its true that " tuhan yang menentukn jodoh kite" bt isnt it true also that .." kite harus berusaha..." nonetheless everything is too late now. i realised its a test by god above.
i wish u well (half-heartedly..) and may you get what you wanted or deserve.
i shall miss our memories... and all. but i shall stop loving, missing you. furreal.

my note to self: not to rush in searching for a replacement for my broken heart, cause the person would only feel rebounded. (: see, i am such a kind soul.

i wish for everything in my life to be semuanya cun saje *kening naek2* (:

so anyway.. i get so f*ed up worried for a stupid urine test for two nights. FOR NOTHING!
thank you lalabyby for being healthy. haha (:

and yah i cant wait for this saturdae!
hope it doesnt rain!
*insyaallah*

p/s: i am washing my hands on my passion in denial dikir.
cause every single *clap*beat*song* reminds me of him.
yea it hurts. so ya..sacrifices must be made.
i am this serious in getting over this.
i am sorry if i let anyone down.
i have myself to care about than others.
the final comps are my finale...

i wanna start afresh.
i need a life. (:

p/p/s: i love voice calls and msn recording (: i sound like a dj !!! huahahah!

thank you for calling (:

love, sue.





xoxo ♥ sue:
4:36:00 AM