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my fears

Monday, May 29, 2006

close your eyes now.
okay maybe not now..
but just try to picture... and think hard.
have you ever picture your own death??

honestly. i do,
infact all the time.
i feel that i'm dying.
i'm really scared.

at times when i close my eyes.
i could picture myself
on the floor. on the road.
with blood all over. motionless.
breathless.lifeless.

like when i'm in the bus.
staring out the window.
i could really see the bus skidded across the floor.
hitting the vehicle opposite.
with the bus all toppled over. and the windows smeared into tiny pieces of glass.
that leaves a scar on each passengers' .
on me. with glasses blinding the eyes of many.
with the strong impact caused many to fall with heavy load.
hitting the poles. one another.
just tragic. ppl die cause form the strong collision.
sharp broken glasses.
last. fire broke out. form the overheated engine.
burn every ashes to ashes.
burning every part of my body.
leaving painful memo of a ride in a bus.
an innocent harmless ride.
still can turn into a tragedy whenever fate strikes.
i'm not afraid.
so..

have you ever get to the stairs...
of the highest level and looked down.
picturing yourself.
flat on the ground?
well i do.
smoking secretly on stairways on the toppest level.
enjoying the view&scenery from above.
when suddenly you looked down.
your head start spinning.
you wished your life isnt as fcuk up as it is.
i forseen myself on the ground floor.
lying down. flat on the gorund.
with pool of blood all over.
and blood gushing out.
my nose.ears, eyes, mouth.
is this the end.
is this how i want it to be?
a memo of a secret smoking arena.
taking the stairs. just a few levels up.
i'm still not afraid.

but have you ever picture
the way you want yourself to die?
well i do.
i can feel that my body is getting weak every single day.
remembering the time when abu&syakur was told i onced had brain tumour.
they cried.
these are the people i wanna spent my last days with.
with my love ones.
i wanna die in the arms of my beloved.
my family& my syg.

i hope its not coming back.
i hope its just my feelings.
i was afraid.
its just my illusion.
i kept telling myself that.
i'm a strong grl.

and i live for my love ones.
i live for my family.
my syg is the reason i wish to continue living.
i cant keep screwing up my life.
god give me strength.
heal me up.
fast&quick.

-amin-

but my greatest fear now is not death ..
but it is to lose the greatest love of my life.

____ vivi smudged with tears



xoxo ♥ sue:
10:26:00 PM